why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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