Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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