dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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