good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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