Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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