My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm both gender and math confused
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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