The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
