apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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