So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
