i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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