literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
