hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize