I'm going to jail i love you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You ate ashes out of my bong
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
