i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
