My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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