Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
