I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize