I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
