I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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