i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
