Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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