In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
