Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
