glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
