i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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