need another drink. this is the easiest way
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
