I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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