You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
