he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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