My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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