so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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