Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
