she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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