I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
