what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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