If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
