I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
They have beer where we have blood.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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