After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Everclear isn't food dammit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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