with your own penis?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
