Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
