I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
