I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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