you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
