I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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