Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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