Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
