I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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