just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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