You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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