Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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