my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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