I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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