put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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