He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
