Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
This toilet bowl is my home.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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