I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
