Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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