If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's shark week go big or go home
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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