i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
