All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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