Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Boobs speak an international language.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
