I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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