Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
