No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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