oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
