Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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