Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
